TALK TO YOUR MOIRAIL, GALLEY.
Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

You growl, and it’s the kind of growl that hurts your throat. “Yeah,” you say. “X know what that’s lxke. X’ve trxed to make a lot of stuff go away by doxng that. Xt never worked, but fuck xf X don’t try anyway, lxke X never learned shxt. Lxke when X thought X was dyxng and X never told you so you wouldn’t have to be upset.” You snort at the stupidity of it all and scruff her cropped hair. “That sure worked out as planned, dxdn’t xt?”

You wince at that and open your mouth to protest that your secret wasn’t like his at all—but then it hits you that it is, he’s right, he’s 100% right, she’s a tumor in your soul and all these sweeps you’ve spent trying to hide what happened has been about as useful as chugging hull clean and waiting for Cloris to die.

You sigh into that touch and burrow into him more. “Yeah, well. At the time I was all figuring it was the worst thing I could do to her, writing her out of my history that way, but she went and wrote herself back in…” Your face crumples suddenly as an overwhelming sense of helplessness grips you—it’s all you wanted, just that one small thing, to never see or hear from her ever again, and she just keeps on coming the fuck back…

"But that was never the right way to deal with that bitch anyway. I only told myself it was."

"Well, at least now X know why you’re stupxd-pale for me," you mutter. "You’ve got the same shxt goxng on." You hug her tight.

"Tell me everythxng," you say. "X’m lxstenxng."

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"X uh," you scrunch up your face, and wow, it hurts. You are really sore, all of a sudden, and tired. And upset. "X want to know everythxng, L.” Including why all of this is news to me, you don’t add. You know damn well why people keep stuff to themselves, even when their moirails are worried, and you have no room to judge her for doing the same thing you’ve been doing for sweeps.

"How dxd you meet? What’s her caste? How dxd she… can she just… just… tell me everythxng," you say again. "All of xt."

Oh, that face. Your brows furrow upward and you pap his cheek automatically, just because you want that face to go away. You don’t want to tell him, you wish that you could just let him inside your pan and look instead, but you know you have to: He’s never called you L like that before, and you can tell you’ve dealt him a wound by not saying anything, even if it’s a tiny one.

You take his hands in yours and squeeze them. You swallow hard. “Okay. Okay, baby. I will. But first I gotta explain you a thing, see: you know me. You know me down to my marrow, I told you every little damn thing there is to know about me, even my most saddest, shameful parts, cepting this shit right here I’m about to all be layin’ out for you. But.”

Ah, fuck, your eyes are welling up. You grimace and pull him down with you so you’re lying side by side again and pull close, because what you’re about to say is something you can only whisper. “I didn’t keep it hid ‘cause I didn’t wanna tell you. I kept it hid ‘cause only she and me were the only ones what ever knew what all went down, and if I didn’t say nothin’, it’s like… it’s like it never did. It’s like she never was. You see now?”

You growl, and it’s the kind of growl that hurts your throat. “Yeah,” you say. “X know what that’s lxke. X’ve trxed to make a lot of stuff go away by doxng that. Xt never worked, but fuck xf X don’t try anyway, lxke X never learned shxt. Lxke when X thought X was dyxng and X never told you so you wouldn’t have to be upset.” You snort at the stupidity of it all and scruff her cropped hair. “That sure worked out as planned, dxdn’t xt?”

[I AM OFFICIALLY IN LOVE WITH FLARPING.COM]

[username: galley]

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

You have no idea what to make of this new information, or of the way it makes you want to hit things. “X don’t… understand,” you say. “X never heard about thxs person. You salvaged me sweeps ago. When dxd thxs happen? Why dxdn’t X know?”

Your ears droop. “When I was almost being six. I got away when I was seven. You didn’t know ‘cause I ain’t never talked at anyone about it before tonight.” You huddle up all small and hunch your shoulders. “I just… you ever have shit you just rather keep locked up? But now I can’t afford to do that, not with what she might be all doing.”

You take a pillow and pad his lap with it before hiding your face in it all curled up on your side. “But y’know what? Fuck it. Ask me what you wanna know and I’ll tell it.”

"X uh," you scrunch up your face, and wow, it hurts. You are really sore, all of a sudden, and tired. And upset. "X want to know everythxng, L.” Including why all of this is news to me, you don’t add. You know damn well why people keep stuff to themselves, even when their moirails are worried, and you have no room to judge her for doing the same thing you’ve been doing for sweeps.

"How dxd you meet? What’s her caste? How dxd she… can she just… just… tell me everythxng," you say again. "All of xt."

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"She? She who?" You sit up. "What do you mean, she makes you dream shxt? Who are you talkxng about?"

"Okay, okay, I’ll back up," you say and take his hands in yours, speaking to them instead of his face. "See, way back before you were all to be dropping in my lap, I up and broke my spade with this jade bitch. It was fuckin’ awful, man, I’ll tell the whole story at you some night if you want, but I barely got away. But yeah, she can get all up in here and make me dream the most vile shit.” You dare a glance up at him and tap our temple. “Or sometimes she shows up her ownself and talks at me, like she was earlier today.”

Your head hurts and telling this story again is like wading through hagfish slime. After talking at Sigbro, you had pondered writing it all in a memo to send to everyone, but no, you decided you owed it to them to tell it to their faces. Watching Galley’s expression, you start to wonder if it was such a good idea.

"It don’t happen all the time—I think she’s too far away to be trolling my pan every day—but she gets in there often enough, and, and, she said that my dreamings were telling at her that I was missing her and suffering without her and I’m scared shitless she’s gonna do more than just fuck with me, you know? Like, she might fuck with you or any of my fuckin’ family.” You take in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. “But Sigbro, he found me after I was to be waking up, and he said he can use his pan sponge to help me, like, he can be in my head with me while I’m getting my snooze on and kick her ass out.”

You lean close, enough that you can rest your head on his shoulder. “So, that’s why I can’t just be packin’ up tonight to leave with you, bro, I gotta get rid’a this pan rot first.”

You have no idea what to make of this new information, or of the way it makes you want to hit things. “X don’t… understand,” you say. “X never heard about thxs person. You salvaged me sweeps ago. When dxd thxs happen? Why dxdn’t X know?”

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"Wha?" the alarm in her voice hits you and you choke down the snivelling. You hate snivelling, anyway. "What, what’s goxng on? Are you ok?"

You need more space to breathe. Grimacing, you sit up and grip your horns, bracing your elbows on your knees. “No. No, I ain’t been okay in awhile. I’m sorry. I meant to tell this at you sooner, but I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t wanna worry your ass over nothin’, and it was like to being shameful as FUCK, just—”

You aren’t making any sense. You shake your head to clear it and look at him miserably. “That thing I was sayin’ earlier, ‘bout how I never been quadranted up to anyone as long as you cepting for one other person? Well, that bitch is comin’ back to bite me in the ass, she’s been fuckin’ with my head while I’m asleep, all makin’ me dream shit and whispering poison at me, and like, for awhile I couldn’t tell if it was her or if it was just me dreaming her up, but a couple hours ago I was all to falling asleep in the library, and yeah, it’s her, she’s real.”

"She? She who?" You sit up. "What do you mean, she makes you dream shxt? Who are you talkxng about?"

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"X don’t know," you say, starting to weep like a goddamn lavatory brick opera actor. "X just, X’m so scared xt’s too late, that X waxted and w-waxted and pretended xt dxdn’t matter and now xt’ll be too late and he’ll be dead."

It’s taken you sweeps to admit you want him back, and you are surprised by how much it suddenly chafes you to imagine waiting even another minute. Brains are weird.

"X want to go soon," you sniffle. "As soon as we can. Bel xs comxng, but X only asked hxm and you so far. X don’t care about the rest, X just want to go."

Oh shit. Your pump does a painful little squelch in your chest and you pull him close. “Heeey, hey, shhhh. Okay, okay, listen honey. I can’t see any reason why I couldn’t be doing that, I mean, it ain’t like we’re leavin’ forever.” You wipe the tears away with your fingers and butt your forehead against his. “But, uh, like, how soon we talkin’, darlin’, like, tomorrow soon? ‘Cause there’s something else I gotta tell you about and I. I don’t want it to fuck this up, oh goddamn it—”

"Wha?" the alarm in her voice hits you and you choke down the snivelling. You hate snivelling, anyway. "What, what’s goxng on? Are you ok?"

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"So," you say. "Um. LL? Do you… maybe…" Fuck. It’s such a hard series of noises to make, but you’re going to have to do it eventually, and you don’t want to make her anxious again, so: "Wxll you come wxth me to my hxve? To look for my lusus?"

"Mmm?" You rub his back while he puts his words together. You can’t say it doesn’t make you a little bit anxious, given what you’re talking about, but you can wait it out. You’re surprised when it does. "Oh, of course, hell yes I’ll do that thing with you. When do we take off? Who’s comin’ with?”

"X don’t know," you say, starting to weep like a goddamn lavatory brick opera actor. "X just, X’m so scared xt’s too late, that X waxted and w-waxted and pretended xt dxdn’t matter and now xt’ll be too late and he’ll be dead."

It’s taken you sweeps to admit you want him back, and you are surprised by how much it suddenly chafes you to imagine waiting even another minute. Brains are weird.

"X want to go soon," you sniffle. "As soon as we can. Bel xs comxng, but X only asked hxm and you so far. X don’t care about the rest, X just want to go."

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"Yeah, X do. Xt’s not rxght to assume you’re okay because X thxnk you should be okay. We never even talked about that letter before, mostly because X was hopxng xt would go away. X don’t thxnk that’s rxght to do."

You poke at the healing gauges in her earfins. “Just because you’d forgxve doesn’t let me off the hook for ownxng my shxt,” you add. “Xn fact, xt makes xt more xmportant for me to own xt. That xs what X thxnk.”

You squirm reflexively at that poking, but it doesn’t hurt overmuch. “Oh, I know, I know, it’s important as hell, and we still got us a lotta talkin’ to do in that particular conversation zone. I’m just sayin’.”

You wonder if there is anything you would never, ever forgive him for eventually. Nothing comes to mind. You bury your face in his shoulder and sigh.

"So," you say. "Um. LL? Do you… maybe…" Fuck. It’s such a hard series of noises to make, but you’re going to have to do it eventually, and you don’t want to make her anxious again, so: "Wxll you come wxth me to my hxve? To look for my lusus?"

Galley: Don’t Stop Surrendering

lackadaisicallimpet:

bustedcrankshaft:

"Oh," you mumble. "Uh, well. About that letter. X… thought that would happen, too. X’m sorry, but X dxd. X guess xt’s pretty stupxd to be offended that you’re xnsecure about our quadrant when X dxd so much worse than just worry." You sigh and rub the velvety back of her head. "Way worse, and X never even apologxzed. X guess X hoped everyone would just pretend xt dxdn’t happen, but that’s not faxr, xs xt."

"Your red partner made xt pretty clear to me that X am one self-centered motherfucker, and X can’t say she’s wrong, can X?"

"Nah, it ain’t fair. But if there’s one thing I’m all to be getting my wicked understanding for, it’s that feel where you wish shit would just go the fuck away. Which is why I ain’t dwellin’, but, well, I’m healin’ by degrees." You’re quiet for a little while, your eyes fluttering half-lidded at his petting. "Mm, well. There ain’t many things my pretty sister is being wrong about, I get you there. But before you pulled that shit, what opportunity did you even have for being selfish? Like I said, that thing you did wasn’t any kind of fair, but I understand it.”

You draw back to look at him. “And you don’t gotta say sorry. I know.”

"Yeah, X do. Xt’s not rxght to assume you’re okay because X thxnk you should be okay. We never even talked about that letter before, mostly because X was hopxng xt would go away. X don’t thxnk that’s rxght to do."

You poke at the healing gauges in her earfins. “Just because you’d forgxve doesn’t let me off the hook for ownxng my shxt,” you add. “Xn fact, xt makes xt more xmportant for me to own xt. That xs what X thxnk.”